The Heart Of The Matter
by BitterHarpy
Summary: Outtake from my story In A Split Second


**Okay so a lot of people were wanting to know what happened in Edward and Bella's previous relationship. Most wanted to blame Edward but it was not his fault. Hopefully, this explains things. It has nothing to do with the plot of IASS in the scheme of things so this does stand alone.**

 **This is written in 1** **st** **person, took me twenty minutes to do and is short, not so sweet and to the point.**

 **Enjoy!**

If there was one thing besides being a doctor that I was good at, it was avoiding. Avoiding phone calls, text messages, emails, commitment, relationships, feelings… _him_. You name it, I could avoid it. And it wasn't fair; not to me and especially not to him. But facing him and talking about my feelings- my very confused feelings-was too much for me.

So, I avoided.

There are three things that are absolute in my life:

I am fucked up. As in FUBAR fucked up. I know this. It stems from an absent father with a different, perfect family, complete with two sisters I do not want to know and a mother who wished she had never had me but hated my father so much that she hurt him by taking me with her when she left. And when she left, that left me with no one. But me. I am good with me.

I am dark and twisted. That probably could be included in number one but I feel it needs a category all its own. I don't see light. Or happiness. It's like I have a pessimistic pair of glasses on and all I can see is negativity all around me. I became a doctor to make her happy, to try to please her. Instead, I find that saving lives gives me a little ray of light but that, too, dims eventually.

I love Edward Cullen. In a way that completely immobilizes me. In a way that renders me stupid. He is light and I am dark and between us we make shadows, but it isn't enough. I can't be what he needs. So I need to leave him be. It's hard, pushing him away. Seeing the hurt awash his face. He doesn't understand and I don't know how to explain it to him. He is so optimistic it pains me. He always has an answer for everything. He wants to fix everything. He wants to fix me. I don't want to see the defeat in his eyes when he fails. So I leave. Over and over. And he runs after me. Over and over. It's exhausting.

But he is getting tired. I see it. In the way his smile doesn't reach his eyes. In the way his shoulders slump. I just want to scream at him. "Leave me alone. Don't you see, I am not good for you!" But another part, one buried deep down inside, wants to scream "Don't give up on me! I can try to be better for you!"

Being at war sucks. Being at war with yourself is debilitating.

 *****IASS*****

So, I watch. I have left you again. This time without a word. You just woke up to an empty bed. That was two weeks ago. You were so excited when you showed me your blueprints for your house. What you meant was _our_ house. Can't you see, I don't want to infect you any longer? I love that you try so hard. I hate that you try so hard.

You want a family so bad. When your last marriage failed, instead of being completely broken, you moved out to Seattle for a fresh start. You said your first marriage was a learning experience and that Charlotte was a good woman just not the woman for you in the end. That you were both better as friends. When she got remarried, you flew back to give her away as her own father was dead. You are a good man. Way too good for me.

I see her look at you. Tanya. She is a good nurse and very nice woman. She is always smiling at everyone but her eyes light up when she sees you.

I see you look at her. You give her that smile. That crooked one you usually have reserved for me. It's what caught my eye the first night we met and it is what convinced me over and over to keep seeing you. And now you are looking at her with it. And it makes me want to throw up and smile all at once.

 *****IASS*****

You cornered me today. You asked me what you did wrong. What you did wrong? Oh Edward. It's not you, it's me but that is so damn clichéd that I can't voice it. Instead I don't say anything and just look at away. I hear you sigh. Then you say it, so softly, I almost don't hear it but the words are so damn deafening that it feels like you screamed it at me.

"I asked Tanya out."

It takes all I can to stay unaffected. To appear unaffected. You look at me; your eyes pleading for me to say something. Anything. To tell you to cancel. To tell you I want you. I finally look at you, really seeing you and I see that this is not a ploy to make me jealous. You are not petty enough to do that. I'm the petty one. You are defeated. I have defeated you. I won. So I respond.

"Good."

You step back and for the first time in all the time I have known you, I see it. A spark of bitterness in your blue-gray depths. And I know. I know that I have damaged a part of you. I want you to know that was not my intention. I want you to know that I love you. That I want the best for you. That you are everything good in my life. I want to scream that at you.

But instead, I walk away.

 **Go ahead, scream at me. I can take it. I will probably add to this outtake thread as questions appear.**


End file.
